the gift of giving: reflections from the middle of the night

a few nights ago, around midnight or one, as i rocked jack to sleep i turned on the kindle that a friend had let us borrow, hoping to find something that would help me pass the time and take my mind off the fatigue washing over every part of my being.

fortunately our friend likes good books and i spotted free of charge: giving and forgiving in a culture stripped of grace by miroslav volf in her table of contents, or whatever its called on a kindle. i've admired volf ever since i read exclusion and embrace about five years ago.

volf introduces free of charge by telling the story of the adoption of his first son. through this unparalleled experience volf learned that his son's biological mother, and most mothers giving their children up for adoption, wasn't giving him up because she was selfish or didn't care about him. quite the opposite in fact. she was giving him away because she cared so deeply about him. she knew that putting him into the loving arms of volf and his wife was best for him.

later as he reflected on the beauty of what had happened, volf came across a passage from aristotle on friendship:

"witness the pleasure that mothers take in loving their children. some mothers put their infants out to nurse, and though knowing and loving them do not ask to be loved by them in return, if it be impossible to have this as well, but are content if they see them prospering; they retain their own love for them even though the children, not knowing them, cannot render them any part of what is due to a mother."

this is the true nature of love: loving and giving for the sake of another, not for our own sake. this is how god loves us, not for his good, but for our good. this is how he revealed himself through his son jesus, giving of himself so the world might be made new and we might flourish.

volf suggests that this generosity is the glue which holds society together and without which society begins to crumble:

"left unchecked, the slide away from generosity ultimately robs us of significant cultural achievements, on which our flourishing as individuals and communities depend."

as i read, my heart melted. loving jack came naturally to both shannon and to me. he's so beautiful after all!

but sustaining that love and care over time is not always a picnic. giving isn't what comes naturally to me or to any of us really. it is a way of being that has to be practiced, pursued, and learned. parenthood is, i am finding out, the ultimate classroom for selflessness.

the introduction closes as volf examines how his boys are like little roses, asking their parents, "would you tend to me?"

this is our common condition:

"like our sons, all of us were a gift when we were born - a peculiar yet most beautiful of gifts, a gift that at first only receives, a gift that gives back only the joy parents might feel in giving and the delight they might experience in the child's flourishing."

then he hit the nail on the head of my existential state at the moment as i read:

"often enough, tiredness chokes up joy, and worry extinguishes delight. but still most parents do their best to give, and they do so knowing well that their gifts will never be returned in full, but perhaps will be paid forward, that children will give their own children or to others they encounter on their life's journey."

amen.